Friday, May 06, 2005

Epitome of a Loser

There's nothing sadder than thinking that you are a loser and having that re-affirmed by having the guy you have a crush on go out with one of your co-workers. Nevermind that your self-esteem is so low that you were the one who set the two of them up because you thought that you weren't good enough for him (yes, him, the two-time divorcee who has serious ex-military mental issues)just because you're a huge fat ass.

Saturday, April 23, 2005


For any of you who were born in the 70s like me...I would hope that you too would view this as an insult.

Not that I don't like Will Ferrell...I'm just saying...don't fuck with the original, man. There's nothing in this world scarier than Sleestacks.

And if you don't believe this...then you're fucked in the head. And I'll not pull any punches on this one.

Friday, March 04, 2005

Riddle Me This

Is it better to be the bigger person, or to call an arrogant receptionist a "ho-ass bitch muthafucka" to her face because she refuses to be of any assistance and thinks she's way more important than the $20K she makes a year proves that she is?

Saturday, February 05, 2005

Puppy For Sale

Does anyone want a puppy? I mean, seriously, I will admit my human weakness and I bought a puppy and was in NO WAY ready to be a puppy-owner.

I mean, come on. His name is Puppy. What does that tell you about how NOT ready I was to be a dog owner? I couldn't even name him.

I love him desperately, and it will pain me to see him go, but it will be the best decision for both of us if I can find a single, middle-aged woman with no kids, and no other pets, and no life, who is in need of a companion. Hell, he even has papers. Full bred Pomeranian (even though he is bigger and fatter than the normal Pom, I won't lie to you like I was lied to).

I feel like an utter failure, weak and depressed and lacking in soul and spirit. I made the commitment to take care of another living creature, and I can't follow through with it. Thank god it's not a kid. Even though...I feel that Puppylicious is my child and I have failed him. He would just be happier with someone who was a dog person.

And don't bother to send me hate email about this. I already feel bad enough. I'm a complete failure as a care-taker...Discuss...among yourselves, of course.

Sunday, January 30, 2005

It's Happy Hour Again

After watching my taped recording of the Beautiful South concert on Trio, I realized something...I'm so much better than everyone on this planet because I love Paul Heaton, the Housemartins, and the Beautiful South. If you don't love them, then you suck. If you don't know them, then it's not your fault really. They were never really that successful over here. But I suggest that you get to know them immediately so that you can overcome your suckiness.

BTW, Fatboy Slim was a Housemartin. That's right, when he was still Norman Cook (before Beats International even) he was Paul Heaton's bitch. As well he should be, because Paul Heaton is a God. Any man who can stand on stage with a pint in one hand and a cigarette in the other and can still sing like an Angel is a-okay in my book.

Friday, January 21, 2005

The way my family deals with problems

-----Original Message-----
From: Madison
Sent: Friday, January 21, 2005 2:19 PM
To: Madison's Sister
Subject: Hee hee!

What do you call cheese that doesn't belong to you?

NACHO CHEESE! ba dum dum

-----Original Message-----
From: Madison's Sister
Sent: Friday, January 21, 2005 19:20
To: Madison
Subject: RE: Hee hee!

You are retarded. Did you just hear that one, or something? You’re in a pretty good mood for someone who was greeted by a man in blue this morning.

-----Original Message-----
From: Madison
Sent: Friday, January 21, 2005 2:30 PM
To: Madison's Sister
Subject: RE: Hee hee!

I'm actually invoking my "I live in a fantasy world with Buffy and Harry Potter so this man in blue means nothing to me" right, so I'm not dealing with the real world right now.

I mean, the sad part is, I took a half hour during lunch and hid in the bathroom and sobbed hysterically, but the bottom line is...I don't even know what to do. I don't have the money to pay these people, so...okay, they garnish my wages, so then, I can't pay for my house, or my electricity, or my gas, or my cable...okay, well, so that's that. I'm homeless, and Chairman, Puppylicious and I are living out of my car.

I made a huge mistake in buying this house and put myself into more debt than I could imagine. And I can't afford any of it. And they're laying off people at my job, and training Sharlene to do things that they're not training me to do, so...I'm about to be homeless and jobless.

And I'm so scared that I have a big knot in my throat and I'm sitting at my desk with watery eyes wanting to die.

So...what better time for stupid jokes?

-----Original Message-----
From: Madison's Sister
Sent: Friday, January 21, 2005 19:35
To: Madison
Subject: RE: Hee hee!

You make me sad. I can’t even think of anything to say, so here’s something stupid and funny:

I'm good enough, I'm smart enough, and doggone it, people like me

So...I'm about to burst into hysterical tears at work because, once again, I am being overlooked, despite my brilliance. I mean...okay, so my company is currently going through a period of upheaval, but god dammit, I'm just...well, I'm completely drained, to be honest with you. Lookit, I'm not a stupid person. I realize that it doesn't matter what kind of ability you have, it matters what kind of ass you can kiss if you want to get ahead in today's corporate world, but today has been a particularly shitty day.

I think that I've mentioned before that I'm in debt because I bought a house. Yeah, well, the fact that I'm not paying my bills was emphasized this morning when a cop showed up to serve me with papers that a particular lender was suing me for the entire amount of my loan. Needless to say, Puppylicious was not happy with this intrusion, and for that matter, neither was I. I mean, come on people! If you expect me to earn a living in order to pay you off, why do you interrupt me at 8am in the morning and make me late for work, thus jeopardizing my already tenuous career.

Oh, God, and I totally hate the know-it-all in the cube behind me. You know the one; I've talked about her before, the one that thinks she's better than me, but the only differences between us are that she speaks very broken and uncomfortable Spanish, and takes five days to work on a project that would take me 5 minutes to complete.

I totally hate her. I mean, with every fiber in my being. But I'm supposed to go to a birthday dinner to celebrate her turning 30 (yay! one year closer to death), and the thought of it makes my skin crawl. I don't like this person...I don't want to celebrate her birth...her death, yes, if she could die in the fiery flames of hell, yes, that I would celebrate. But this...not so much.

So how can I get out of it without having to deal with any confrontational consequences on Monday? Maybe I should just be honest...well, semi honest. How's this: "I'm sorry, but I can't come to your birthday dinner. I have other plans".

Not to mention: "I hate every fiber of your being you fucking piece of shit demon from hell. May you rot and die in your imagined superiority! I'm so much better than you, I can't believe that no one will recognize this"!

But what do I know? After all, she's not the one facing a lawsuit because she defaulted on a loan. Maybe she is better after all.

Thursday, January 20, 2005

Meg Ryan is a satisfied customer

Spicy and tingly? More like LIP GLOSS MADE IN HELL: