Sunday, January 30, 2005

It's Happy Hour Again

After watching my taped recording of the Beautiful South concert on Trio, I realized something...I'm so much better than everyone on this planet because I love Paul Heaton, the Housemartins, and the Beautiful South. If you don't love them, then you suck. If you don't know them, then it's not your fault really. They were never really that successful over here. But I suggest that you get to know them immediately so that you can overcome your suckiness.

BTW, Fatboy Slim was a Housemartin. That's right, when he was still Norman Cook (before Beats International even) he was Paul Heaton's bitch. As well he should be, because Paul Heaton is a God. Any man who can stand on stage with a pint in one hand and a cigarette in the other and can still sing like an Angel is a-okay in my book.

Friday, January 21, 2005

The way my family deals with problems

-----Original Message-----
From: Madison
Sent: Friday, January 21, 2005 2:19 PM
To: Madison's Sister
Subject: Hee hee!

What do you call cheese that doesn't belong to you?

NACHO CHEESE! ba dum dum

-----Original Message-----
From: Madison's Sister
Sent: Friday, January 21, 2005 19:20
To: Madison
Subject: RE: Hee hee!

You are retarded. Did you just hear that one, or something? You’re in a pretty good mood for someone who was greeted by a man in blue this morning.

-----Original Message-----
From: Madison
Sent: Friday, January 21, 2005 2:30 PM
To: Madison's Sister
Subject: RE: Hee hee!

I'm actually invoking my "I live in a fantasy world with Buffy and Harry Potter so this man in blue means nothing to me" right, so I'm not dealing with the real world right now.

I mean, the sad part is, I took a half hour during lunch and hid in the bathroom and sobbed hysterically, but the bottom line is...I don't even know what to do. I don't have the money to pay these people, so...okay, they garnish my wages, so then, I can't pay for my house, or my electricity, or my gas, or my cable...okay, well, so that's that. I'm homeless, and Chairman, Puppylicious and I are living out of my car.

I made a huge mistake in buying this house and put myself into more debt than I could imagine. And I can't afford any of it. And they're laying off people at my job, and training Sharlene to do things that they're not training me to do, so...I'm about to be homeless and jobless.

And I'm so scared that I have a big knot in my throat and I'm sitting at my desk with watery eyes wanting to die.

So...what better time for stupid jokes?

-----Original Message-----
From: Madison's Sister
Sent: Friday, January 21, 2005 19:35
To: Madison
Subject: RE: Hee hee!

You make me sad. I can’t even think of anything to say, so here’s something stupid and funny:

I'm good enough, I'm smart enough, and doggone it, people like me

So...I'm about to burst into hysterical tears at work because, once again, I am being overlooked, despite my brilliance. I mean...okay, so my company is currently going through a period of upheaval, but god dammit, I'm just...well, I'm completely drained, to be honest with you. Lookit, I'm not a stupid person. I realize that it doesn't matter what kind of ability you have, it matters what kind of ass you can kiss if you want to get ahead in today's corporate world, but today has been a particularly shitty day.

I think that I've mentioned before that I'm in debt because I bought a house. Yeah, well, the fact that I'm not paying my bills was emphasized this morning when a cop showed up to serve me with papers that a particular lender was suing me for the entire amount of my loan. Needless to say, Puppylicious was not happy with this intrusion, and for that matter, neither was I. I mean, come on people! If you expect me to earn a living in order to pay you off, why do you interrupt me at 8am in the morning and make me late for work, thus jeopardizing my already tenuous career.

Oh, God, and I totally hate the know-it-all in the cube behind me. You know the one; I've talked about her before, the one that thinks she's better than me, but the only differences between us are that she speaks very broken and uncomfortable Spanish, and takes five days to work on a project that would take me 5 minutes to complete.

I totally hate her. I mean, with every fiber in my being. But I'm supposed to go to a birthday dinner to celebrate her turning 30 (yay! one year closer to death), and the thought of it makes my skin crawl. I don't like this person...I don't want to celebrate her birth...her death, yes, if she could die in the fiery flames of hell, yes, that I would celebrate. But this...not so much.

So how can I get out of it without having to deal with any confrontational consequences on Monday? Maybe I should just be honest...well, semi honest. How's this: "I'm sorry, but I can't come to your birthday dinner. I have other plans".

Not to mention: "I hate every fiber of your being you fucking piece of shit demon from hell. May you rot and die in your imagined superiority! I'm so much better than you, I can't believe that no one will recognize this"!

But what do I know? After all, she's not the one facing a lawsuit because she defaulted on a loan. Maybe she is better after all.

Thursday, January 20, 2005

Meg Ryan is a satisfied customer

Spicy and tingly? More like LIP GLOSS MADE IN HELL:

Wednesday, January 19, 2005

You can say fuck...and cocksucker...and cunt on HBO

I know that I have recently pronounced "The Office" as the best COMEDY ever on television ("Buffy the Vampire Slayer" is of course the best SHOW on television ever) but I would have to say that "Curb Your Enthusiasm" is slowly creeping its way into a close second. Comedy, that is. Not to take anything away from it or anything.

Memo To My Boss

To: Boss
Subject: Recent display of disapproval for offensive language

Dear Boss:

I realize that you are just trying to project the atmosphere of an entirely professional office environment, but reprimanding me for pronouncing "Phuket" as "Fuckit" is totally out of order. How can I NOT pronounce it as "Fuckit"? I mean, come on, it's SO obvious, even someone without a sense of humour (ahem) could recognize that pun. It was calling to me; I had no choice, and therefore, I refuse to apologize.

Hugs and Kisses,


A drunk and a drunk walk into a liquor* store...

I still can't decide who's the biggest alcoholic:

Drunk # 1: Excuse me, do you know where the Tanqueray is?

Drunk # 2 (Me): Are you looking for gin or vodka?

Drunk # 1: Um.....

Drunk # 2: Green or white?

Drunk # 1: Green

Drunk # 2: The gin is over there.

*Please note: In the south, you do not walk into a liquor store. You walk into a "package" store because the Bible belt is run by Baptists who feel that alcohol is the tool of the devil (which it may very well be). Also note: in some states in the south, you don't even walk into a "package" store. You just drive around aimlessly looking for a big red dot on the front of a building which serves as a beacon to those sinners who feel the need to indulge. Much like visiting a house of "ill-repute" in the olden days, which also favoured a big red light (or scarlet "A" if you will) , you do feel a bit dirty after your transaction is complete.

Friday, January 14, 2005

Little fish, little fish, swimming in the water

I'm relatively new at this whole blogging thing, but in the short period of time that I've been on the outskirts of this community, I've realized two things:

1. Big time popularity brings extreme envy which disguises itself as unfathomable scorn and hate.

2. I am no where nearly as talented or clever as I thought I was. I'm a mere amoeba in a huge ocean of overwhelmingly brilliant whales.

Thursday, January 13, 2005

Lady Godiva Was a Freedom Rider

So, I've been watching reruns of "Maude" on my fabulous Comcast In-Demand cable, and a thought occurred to me...there's no way in hell that this sitcom would ever be allowed in today's ultra-conservative era. I'm not a political person, but as someone in the entertainment/media industry, I have a slight interest in the frightening direction this country heading towards. We are living in a time when Mickey Rooney's 70+ ass can't be shown for a split second during the Superbowl. Actually...I'm in favour of NOT seeing Mickey Rooney's naked ass, but I do fear that we are returning to our Puritanical roots and restrictions on personal freedom is not far behind.

Hello Operator

I work in customer service. It takes a certain type of personality to survive in the world of customer service. I am not that type of personality.

I suppose that the only reason I'm still employed in this profession is that the service that I provide is to customers via the telephone. If I were face to face with these individuals, I would have been relieved of my duties long ago. For example, once you place someone on hold, they can't hear you scream "Fuck you mother fucker!" at the top of your lungs. It doesn't quite work the same way if you're face to face with the consumer.

I suppose you could say that I work in a call center. Of course, I have a fancy title: "Senior Coordinator". Ooooh...are you intimidated yet? You should be. Of course, all title and no extra moolah makes Madison a very unhappy individual.

But I digress. I suppose the whole point of this post is do NOT purchase a house unless you have some money saved up. Otherwise, you'll be stuck in a career you hate for the rest of your life trying to pay it off.

Oh, yeah, and you'll also be dodging phone calls from AMEX and Capital One, and you'll be really embarrassed when GAWTIRPATBATTOOSB* tries to call you at home and gets a "temporarily disconnected" message. AND you have to face him at work on top of that.

But there is a bright side. The other day, when I saw GAWTIRPATBATTOOSB* in full sunlight in the parking lot for the first time, I noticed a big hairy mole on his neck. This was the final straw when it came to his various mental and physical deformities; something I totally could not get past.

So all in all...being in debt is a blessing. If by blessing you mean, drinking and dying debt....

(*see Hazel pt. 2 post)

Absolute Jackass

I fear that I am hopelessly obsessed with Johnny Knoxville. To the point that I feel he has replaced Liam Gallagher as my # 1 inappropriate crush. Until, of course, the new Oasis album is released.

Then, thank God, it's all back to normal.

Sunday, January 09, 2005

On second thought, maybe there is a God after all

The worst day of my life has just turned into the best. I just heard that Oasis's new album is going to be released on May 16. Just when I thought I would never recover from the devastating news of the demise of the Brad and Jen super-couple, a ray of hope appears to snatch me back from the darkside.

And speaking of good things, yesterday I received my all-encompassing DVD of "The Office" and experienced something I can only describe as pure orgasmic joy. You know that feeling you get when two things seem to come together and you have a revelation? finally realise what heaven must be like and can't imagine that you were ever able to live without it? You know, like peanut butter and chocolate or sparkly purple gems that light up and blink for you?

Well, I experienced one of those moments of utter bliss yesterday when I was watching every single second of "The Office" and on the DVD extras, I found Noel Gallagher doing back up for a Ricky Gervais/David Brent mong (mock song). It was one of those moments where I wanted to call everyone I knew and shout to the heavens that this miracle had occurred, but then I realised that no one I knew would understand the pure wonder of this discovery.

So, I share it here with you, dear internet. Even though no one reads this site and I fear that no one will ever know the details of this miraculous happening, I can always hope...that maybe someone out there squeezed into their computer chair eating a Reeses cup and staring at their purple blinking ring will still have hope that there is a reason to soldier on.

There is no God

So, Brad and Jen split up. That's it, I have no more reason to live. In fact, life as we now know it is over.

In other news, some giant wave somewhere killed a bunch of people. I don't know all of the details of the ongoing struggle for life, because Brad and Jen are taking up the entire front page of my local paper. I'm not saying their impending divorce is not earth-shattering and deserving of some press time and that I won't continue to follow every detail of the messy breakup, I'm just saying...perspective, people.

Like totally, fer shur!

I think the best movie montage of all time is in "Valley Girl", set to the tune of "I Melt With You" by Modern English.

I challenge you to find a better one.

Thursday, January 06, 2005

Project Runway, can you hear me now?

Okay, so what? You get rid of the cool Australian chick and keep the psycho Nora? What the fuck?!?!?!?!?!'s just say that Nora better be on the way out...and next in line is that manipulative lying bitch from VA (I think) who has a whole game plan of learning everyone's secrets and betraying them in the long run. Who gives a shit that she won the Banana Republic competition and her dress is now in your stores, I hate her!

The sweet homosexual (I know his name is not Carson but it might as well be) better win this whole thing. If not him, then the rock 'n' roll homosexual designer who had the nerve to say "I didn't steal your dye, you fucking bitch" should walk away with the whole thing.

God, I hate reality TV. Especially when it's this compelling. At least I didn't watch "Who's Your Daddy?" I do have some pride.

Owaysis Rulz! (aka Liam Gallagher Fucking Rocks)

OMG, so THIS is why I like that new Greenday song:

Evaluation Time

So, I had my year-end evaluation at work today and for the first time ever, I had no complaints. Yes, I am a dysfunctional alcoholic, but I completely rock at my job. I mean, I should, it's not like I have anything else going on in my life. But I digress...

My boss has been a surly bastard for the five + years that I've been working for him, but suddenly he gets engaged, and boom, I get a fabulous review. I'm just it tacky to give his fiancee a "thanks for taking one for the team" thank you card?

Go Speedracer, Go!

When did I start driving like a little old lady? Was it when I turned 30, or when I realized that I suffer from extreme night blindness and can't see an inch in front of my face after sundown?

How much longer before I start complaining about those pesky kids and their loud music? I'm already nervous around packs of pimply teenagers, wondering if they're going to rape (as if) and rob me as I try to remember where I've parked my car in the Kroger parking lot.

I'm (still) not a geek, you're (still) a geek!

We had a little down time at work today and I decided that I should unwrap my brand new Lord of the Rings 2005 planner and add in all the pertinent information I felt necessary for the upcoming year.

I noticed that my coworker A. was staring at me rather intently as I performed this operation and I realised what was going on.

"Jealous? You're jealous". I informed her with an air of superiority. She looked me dead in the eye and intoned seriously: "I'm...SO...not".

She SO is. I pity her for not realising this.

Wednesday, January 05, 2005

Note to self

Dear Madison: Clean your house. No...seriously dude, your house needs to be cleaned. We are bordering on an A&E investigation where they are looking for dead bodies in the trash that is your life, so wash some fucking dishes, okay? I mean, before Bill Kurtis shows up at your pad and everything. Puppylicious is no excuse for not at least attempting to give the impression that you are not an irresponsible drunk who spends all of her time watching "In Demand" movies on her Comcast cable and drinking litres of vodka. Oh, and the Xmas decorations? Take them down already! Your neighbours are so about to come after you with pitchforks and torches. They are not happy. They do not care that you enjoy the warm glow of your Xmas tree and it gives you comfort to plug it in every night; they are seriously about to come and kick your ass and banish you from the neighbourhood block party. I'm just sayin'. And you might want to think about paying your phone bill because in the meantime, that alarm system that you put in for nothing because you don't own anything worth anything, is totally not working. Oh, and pay your mortgage. I don't care that you don't have any stamps, fucking get some. Because if nothing can sit in your cheap ass rundown house knowing you have a roof over your head...even if you don't have a phone...or electricity...or heat...or water. It's all good, shorty. We'll get through it.

Hazel Pt. 2

In case you were wondering how the "clean the kitchen" at work thing worked out, well, we won our battle, and I don't have to clean up after no-named losers that I'm not even married to (or fucking), so that's cool. I was going to call the guy at work that I'm not remotely physically attracted to but am talking to out of sheer boredom (GAWTIRPATBATTOOSB) to inform him of the good news but, alas, I haven't paid my phone bill so my service is temporarily disconnected. Bummer. It's not that I don't have a decent job that pays me a decent's more like...I am completely irresponsible with my money.

Puppylicious For Sale

So, I left my "breakfast and lunch" bag at home accidentally and therefore, had nothing to eat at work. I happened to leave this bag on a low-rise table, so, of course, I returned home (after purchasing Taco Bell and a gallon of vodka midday) to find that my dog had consumed two frozen beef burritos and two slices of processed cheese (with plastic wrap) and was beyond annoyed. And if you are wondering why my breakfast and lunch consisted of two frozen burritos and two slices of Velveeta cheese, all I have to say is, hey, I'm a fat chick, so what else did you expect? Puppylicious did leave me some Ritz crackers, so I suppose he has some epicurean( freakin' rocks) taste which makes me second guess my own judgment in edibles, but I digress. Bottom line is, I'm so done with my dog. Which leaves me with conflicting emotions. I so want to give him away (especially to my boss and his new fiancée, who are great people and would take great care of him), but I look at his puppy-dog (duh) eyes and I can't even imagine that. But then again, I look at the poop and pee on my brand new carpet and I have second thoughts. Why didn't I stop with a cat (Chairman Miaow)? Life would have been so much easier. So what do you do? Sacrifice your happiness for the next 10 (or however long dogs live) years, or ignore his happiness for a few days and give him to happy loving people? I mean, dogs are stupid, right? He'll forget about me in a week, right? *Sigh* God dammit...I'm going to have to keep the little fucker, aren't I? How can I deny him his life of luxury...and frozen burritos...and packaged cheese?

British Chef Gordon Ramsay

Gordon Ramsay is a GOD! And if you haven't checked out "Ramsay's Kitchen Nightmares" on BBC America, what are you waiting for? It's the perfect mix of reality tv and cooking show. And he's, really, once, when a chef was presenting him with a "signature dish", he threw it up! And if that doesn't horrify and fascinate you, then nothing will.

I would SO marry him...if he were straight...which he may be, but you never can tell with those Brits (god love 'em).

OMG, I finally got some comments

You like me, you really like me! I finally got some comments. I feel so Sally Field loved. Now, I'm sure, I wait for the inevitable. The negative feedback. The "how dare you be an alcoholic and advertise this on the internet?!?!?!" Well...the reason for this blog is to be honest, so that's my intention. I mean, hell, I can't talk to my own family about this, so I might as well confess everything to complete strangers, right? And see what you guys have to say about it. I mean, hell, I know that my life has not been destroyed by a giant tsunami (btw, please donate anything you can to but I still have my issues. LOTS of them, believe me. And in the meantime, not to make light of being a big fat (literally) drunk, but can buying a puppy actually MAKE you a drunk, or is it just inherited?

Monday, January 03, 2005

Happy 2005

What did you do? I sat at home and downed a bottle of champagne by myself. I did ring the guy at work that I'm not remotely attracted to but am talking to out of sheer boredom, but other than that, nada.

And I did nothing all weekend. Like...Literally nothing. Like...stare at the television and drink vodka for 48 hours nothing. And at some point during the weekend, I decided that I should probably re-evaluate my life. And make some resolutions. Oh, sure, I ate the greens and black eyed peas ( but that's about it. I didn't even take the Xmas tree or outside decorations down. I keep waiting for a neighbor to leave a kind note on my front door informing me that it is bad luck to have Xmas decor up past the New Year. I'm going to politely inform them that I'm decorating early for Xmas 2005 so how can it possibly be bad luck? I'm just naturally festive.

I don't know, though. I'm thinking it's time for a sincerely hard look at my life and make some changes. Like seriously, can I STOP DRINKING FOR GOD'S SAKE?!?!?!?! Is there any moment I can experience in my life without artificial emotion involved? Jesus Christ, I'm sick of my weakness. I need to go back to overeating as my main addiction.

Whatever. I'll probably have a resolution list up soon. A look back on 2004? I was drunk. Oh, and I bought a house, that's a plus. But I screwed up my credit again and can't afford to pay off any of my credit card bills, so you know, minus. I bought a dog. Big mistake. Don't get me wrong, I love Puppylicious (aka The Puppy) with all of my heart but I wouldn't do it again. Incidentally, his birthday was the 31st. He's a year old. And a lot taller than he used to be (full-bred Pomeranian my ass) so he gets into a lot more trouble. More height = more beatings. J/K, he doesn't even know the meaning of the word discipline which is why he's a rotten rotten thing that tears up everything in his path. And why Chairman Miaow (my cat) hates him.

In 2005 I resolve not to waste entire days doing nothing more than sitting and drinking...stay tuned for more...